Sunday, March 17, 2013

You Have Two Cows

A friend sent me a fun summary of "isms" which typically start with "You have two cows." I have posted the list below, and I've tacked on my own entry for "San Juan County-ism" for the way things seem to work around here. Feel free to add on, concur, disagree, or comment.

But before you do that, have a look at the latest election fundraising totals from the Washington State PDC, with candidate tallies listed in descending order.
  1. Lisa Byers - $26,971
  2. Lovel Pratt - $21,807
  3. Jamie Stephens - $18,824
  4. Rick Hughes - $8,768
  5. Bob Jarman - $8,234
  6. Brian McClerren - $4,050
The grand total is $88,654, with over 76% going to the party-affiliated candidates. Individually, Byers and Pratt have raised more money than the bottom three non-affiliated candidates combined (Hughes, Jarman, and McClerren together have raised $21,052).
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
You have two cows.
The County claims the cows are in a wetland and declares them nonconforming.
The Friends sue because the cows can be seen from a big donor's new shoreline mansion.
The ARC, Tourist Board, and Transportation Steering Committee promote the cows as agri-tourism,
The individuals from the County, the Friends, and the ARC/Tourist Board/ Transportation Committee (above) are all the same people.
The Community Land Trust believes the cows belong to everyone.
The Land Bank wants to borrow money to purchase and preserve the cows.
The Marine Resources Committee believes the cows are killing salmon.
You, the cow owner who just wants to be left alone, are discredited as an alleged Koch-funded Republican.


  1. You have two cows
    Ron Zee signs an MOU with the PSP to be the cows' fiscal agent.
    The local San Juan County press doesn't even know the two cows exist.

  2. Lovel Pratt thinks the cows owe her milk, and calls them up at night to berate them
    Lisa Byers finds a quote by Thomas Paine saying that owners really only possess the improvements to cows, not the cows themselves.
    Jamie Stephens gives the cows a ride in his Jaguar while talking to them about global warming.

  3. Stephen Adams is unsuccessful in his attempts to spell "cows".

  4. The Land Bank wants to borrow money to buy the cows?

  5. The Friends sue because the cows can be seen from a donor's new shoreline mansion!

  6. Richard Fralick, Patty Miller, and Lovel Pratt want to have secret meetings with the cows.

  7. The Friends sue because the cows can be seen from Stephanie Buffum's kayak, to her detriment.

  8. WAIT--Lisa Byers has $27,000 to spend on the election? That's 1080 $25 donations! or did we stop limiting our donations? It's almost $2 per person. I think it makes more sense to hand out $2 bills than to spend all this money on the "media."

  9. $2 per person in the County, I mean.

    Okay, back to "two cows".

  10. Ahh, should'nt it be sheep?

  11. Two cows (Department of Ecology version) -

    Erik Stockdale recommends that the cows delete all their emails.
    Tom Hruby thinks the cows are high risk.
    After spending $100K, no one can figure out what Paul Adamus thinks about cows

  12. Lovel Pratt tried to use the power of government to ruin a man's business.

    Cows don't vote

  13. Lovel Pratt tried to have CD&P ruin a man's business based on "word on the street" - meaning, her marching orders from the Friends of course.

  14. Councilwoman Lovel Pratt - a person who has never had a real job, never produced ANYTHING tried to use government to ruin a man's ability to provide for his family.

    Have you got the message yet or do we need more stupid songs, jo'mama jokes, and quips about cows?

  15. The county will have to give Dr. Adamus another 100k+ for his thoughts on cows.

  16. Oh yes, we got the message, but we definitely need more quips about cows too. How about this one -

    Patty Miller says publicly that she wants cows, but votes to have them banned.

  17. A farmer with two cows on San Juan
    Was working to get his milk on
    When the communists heard
    Said "that should be shared!"
    And leftus po' farmers with non

    (Cows that is...)

  18. Honestly, this joking around stuff is going to backfire. No one should kid around about such serious matters. Fortunately, I rarely follow my own advice, so here's my contribution:

    Randy Gaylord and Amy Vera deny the plaintiffs access to the cows.

  19. Quiping is a age old way of dealing with pain. Do the new CAO's have a regulation against quiping near wetlands? Let's call the County Planning Department, they will know.

  20. @ 8:33 PM
    "The local San Juan County press doesn't even know the two cows exist." Bullseye!

  21. This ain't no quiping thing. Adamus is going to want an extra 100k if he has to deal with Shireene again, way to much work for him and Shireene can't function with out more money and staff. We pay and pay and they want us to pay more for endless nothingness.

  22. Hire the cows, let the rest of them go, cows are more compassionate
    Especially the American cow, no Canadians
    They're bad news, but make sure they can pledge their allegence

  23. Beef, it's what's for dinner.

    Unbelievable intrusive regulation, it's whats coming if we don't stop L&L.

  24. Lisa & lovel & JS
    Working control of the press
    Then TH came along
    And sang a true song
    Help vote us out of this mess!

  25. And now we hear that the county is going to hand over bags of cash to the clowns who run Orcas Recycling Services and that, from what I understand have not filed Taxes, or obtained their necessary permits from ecology, and, the worst of all, have a notorious scam artist on their board...cows would do a better job running this funny farm.

  26. Thunderdomeism.
    Two cows enter, one cow leave.

  27. @6:17 re: Orcas Exchange
    I think this might be a case where we could have a legitimate source of pollution. Take an acre of garbage in the woods and torch it, im thinking the leftovers on the ground might be toxic.
    Isn't one of the OE board members an individual that abused the county process to persecute Steve Pearson, a competitor, mercilessly??
    You think Lovel trying to destroy a kayaking business was sickening, think back to what those clowns put Pearson through.
    I thought the OE contract was an agenda item at the last council meeting. Looks like the video feed cut at just the right time. Strange.

  28. A Lopez organic farmer has two grass fed cows.

    CDPP requires a milking permit and slaps a stop work order on the cows.

    Time passes filing paperwork, paying fees, hiring consultants to conduct studies.

    The cows explode.

    Sheriff Nou promptly arrests the farmer as an eminent threat to public health and safety.

    Lovel Pratt has the Island Grown Farmers Coop grind the remains into grass fed burger meat, which is donated for the greater good to the Brickworks fundraising campaign.

  29. Lisa Byers has become an impressive, thoughtful County Commissar. She is always happy to help.

    Two young hard working Orcas leaseholder farmers are neighbors. One farmer, Ivan, has two cows. His neighbor, Igor on the other hand has worked very hard and now has three cows.

    Feeling personally violated by this socio-economic injustice, Ivan seeks an audience with Lisa.

    "Lisa, Lisa something must be done. I am filing a complaint against my neighbor Igor."

    "Do you mean 'complaint' in the literal sense?" Lisa calmly inquires.

    "Even worse!" Ivan continues. "For Igor has three cows, while I only have two!"

    "And so Ivan" Lisa gently probes, "What would you have me do?"

    "Kill Igor's third cow!" Ivan pleas.

    "For the common good, let it be so" Lisa quietly and clearly decides.

  30. Eastwoodism

    Go ahead cow, make my day.

  31. We must save the endangered cows. EAT MOR CHIKIN !

    Vote for Bob, Rick and Brian !

  32. Fortunately for the cows, they are not trying to start a small family business in the islands. Otherwise Lovel, at the behest of her "word on the street" minions, would abuse her power and try to quash this business before it was even finished.

    Lovel has a hard time with the truth.

  33. Back to this election
    has any candidate actually drawn a line in the sand so we know where they stand? It sure feels like the upcoming election may just be a bait and switch.
    Who if anyone will put every citizen (not a community/ willing to deny reasonable people reasonable things simply because they fall outside a majority), and protection of those interests above the regulatory monster we are faced with?
    By this time every candidate should have read and understand the CAO’s that were passed arbitrarily deny simple and reasonable rights and privacy to people. If you haven’t understood this What the hell are you doing running for council.
    As well, you should have read and understood the appeals and the OPMA suit where do you stand?

    And are you also familiar with an upcoming enforcement ordinance that also provides absolutely no protection or relief from arbitrary abusive or antagonistic actions of a fascist CD&P Are you all WUSS’s?
    Look up “nuisance” where is the substantive due process? We have effectively jumped straight to incrimination of citizens with no regard to weight,reason or public vs private interests. This just simply makes me sick.
    PS the cow is dead, shot by a friend you know/ “precautionary principles”

  34. We Need to set some Boundaries!
    they have all been said, but who will defend them?

  35. From a local-ish songwriter:

    Cows with Guns!

  36. What enforcement ordinance? Is there a link, or a news story?

  37. @1:51 the previous poster Refering to the enforcement ordinance is discussing the proposed changes to the code enforcement procedures.

    The poster is a little hysterical with the facist references. (you realize when you throw out the phrase facist or nazi, you lose whatever credibility you may have possessed)

    Anyway, the ordiinance changes are pretty far along. Planning comission had a good look at it and Mike C provided some good feedback.

    The notion of "criminalization" is misleading. The criminal penalties for violations already exist in state and local law. This appears to be procedural changes. There are still avenues of appeal.

    I think the TH would have done a big exposé on the ord if it was fascist as the previous poster asserts.

    Hell I may be wrong but I read it and wasn't alarmed.
    But then again, I follow the rules best I can, as assanine as they may be. I think that, generally, will keep you out of trouble.

  38. That is the problem in this country
    people are not alarmed at the rules!
    That is just fine, I try to follow the rules as well, unfortunatly I understand them, and I understand only too well, "Fascist"yes they are

    The term fascism comes from the word fasces; an ax tightly wound with sticks.
    Fascism can be defined as a political attitude and mass movement that arose during time between the first and second World War.
    Fascism is the attitude of giving full interest in economic, social, and military power to a dominant race or state lead by a single dominant leader. Fascism basically rejected the idea of Socialism, Capitalism, and Democracy.
    Fascism’s are single-party dictatorships characterized by terrorism and police surveillance. It focuses on ethnicity and “our” race being better than “your” race. Fascism isn’t limited to one culture alone. Each culture can believe that it is better and each person can consider himself to be better than his fellow man. Fascism is used to categorize censorship and oppression.
    Ones who take away freedom from others can be considered fascist.


  40. Running out of cow jokes, except perhaps:

    Lovel and Jamie feed the cow for years (four and two)and it gets too too fat. Then Jarman beats Lovel and Lovel asks why Jarman hasn't done anything about the too too fat cow in the 7 weeks he's been in office.

  41. I'd take another look at that Enforcement Ordinance if I were you. First, there's a newer version that everyone encouraged the Friends and CSA to work on together. It removed the obvious bad drafting that both "sides" agreed on. So what CDP has given the Planning Commission still has all that bad writing in it just to slow things down. BUT, more important, I believe there are two provisions that should make the average homeowner or property owner and taxpayer livid: FIRST, it extends the powers of the Grand Building Poobah so that he or she can pretty much get away with anything--no problem, because our County has a history of benevolent Grand Building Poobahs; and TWO, it allows the FRIENDS and their friends to INTERVENE in enforcement cases. Yup. Council counsel too busy? Let the Friends take over the case. Even if County counsel is there doing a good job, the Friends can be there to push further. Let the Friends have a say in any settlement negotiations. This is something that we have to put up with in land use appeals: Friends hounding people who want a dock or a deck or a star to the beach. But not in enforcement. Does your neighbor get a seat at the table at your criminal trial? No. So, yes, take another look.

  42. I read the whole thing. I couldn't find the grand pubah reference or anything mentioning FOSJ.

    Can you cite the sections you were refering to??
    Thanks in advance.

  43. @ 6:17 a.m.. In the spirit of the great T. Heron, when you make claims like not filing taxes or getting permits or someone being a scam artist, please back them up. Ask yourself, what would the T. Heron do (WWTHD), and do the same. I'm a taxpayer, and know and respect several of the folks in ORS. So if there's any basis for these claims, make like the Heron and provide some support.

  44. I think with the new and improved Marxist approach The Byers and Pratt Manifesto . you can own the cow but you have to buy the milk.

  45. I just read the entire proposed draft ordinance, the CSA/Blanchard ammendments, and the comments comparing the two...

    Not sure what the hysteria is all about....

    The problem is not the rules that exist or these proposed changes, it is the people legislating and running the show.

    That is what matters...

  46. the code should state in its purpose, to serve in interest to the public, to have special concern for the consequences of enforcement actions, to be fair, considerate, professional in all instances to consider the outcome of enforcement action in determining if the action advances an appropriate outcome. And at least an outcome that does not create a less appropriate circumstance than the cause of action.


    Every circumstance must be shown to be reasonable in light of whatever the circumstance is that brings a suspected violation to exist.

    It is terribly unfortunate that Appeals boards have been repealed from the peoples opportunity.

    The means to prevent an excessive authority in one entity exists in appeals boards and boards of adjustment.

    The International codes as well as the Uniform codes before them the National Code the Standard Codes etc. etc. very clearly and appropriately purpose boards of Adjustment and Appeals which serve to support a separation between the governing body and a qualified group of professionals to provide a qualified 3rd party opinion on application, interpretation or in reasonable necessity when in any particular case and when in the boards opinion enforcement would do manifest injustice, and would be contrary to the spirit and purpose of the codes.
    We all have very limited circumstance with which to judge the actions of another, and I beg it calls for consideration.

  47. eA cow shows up in The Sounder News Office. They report on a Nazi Seargent

  48. In my experience, and I have some, violations cited by a building department or permit rejections by planning staff could be appealed to a zoning administrator or a commission like the planning commission or design review board. Such entities are supposed to be staffed by folks actively working in the fields such as architecture, engineering, soils analysis, building, and even paint. (I had a hell of a time to get anyone who had any clue about color on our boards.)(Lynn Danaher is likely the best getting it done on SJI)

    These "violation" appeals were heard at these boards, BUT the final authority was always the ELECTED Town Council. AND, the council always had the right to "Call Up" anything they thought was a policy contest. Actually, they could call anything up, but good councils did not do that; they let their appointed boards do their job. (Board members did their homework!)

    The problem arises when violations become a a source of funds for the building or planning departments. When appeals cost so much that no one appeals.

    In my opinion, San Juan County has come very close to making over the counter payments a large part of the funding of their departments. And now I'm concerned code enforcement people will get their wages from violation fines. THIS STINKS very badly if it comes to be. It is not serving the public; it is ripping the public off.

    Reading the top post. It's fun, but why are you folks talking about cows. Your candidates are getting killed by the cash machine. The only impressive thing is this McClerren guy coming from no where with no help.

  49. Why make rules that most people can not afford ,even, the paper work to comply with. It's like creating crimminals to penalize and fine. The County is not even able to deal with it, except they can get grants and we even pay for that . We are being herded in a planned direction.

  50. Hire the cows, at least they could serve the people somehow

  51. On the code enforcememt issue.

    Who writes this stuff? Someone in the Planning Department? What was wrong with the current version?
    Who said," Go re-write the enforcememt code. Give is more authority. Increase penalties. We must punish the people. We have massive code violations, and it must ne stopped."

    Who are these people. Name their names. It doesn't spontaneously appear in a Word document. A person with a name pushes the keys. Who are they?

  52. Sanity left the building quite a number of years ago, about the same time people started enforcing their will upon each other, and for no useful cause.

  53. Two cows and a weasel walk into a bar,
    Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
    "No bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
    Then Shireen says, “I was a cow in another life. We had secret bull sessions. We’re still full of bull.”

  54. This blog thread is one of the best, funniest, and sarcastic truth I've seen in years! Well said, folks!!!
    HoneyBee in Spokane